Oh come on, you know that was a rhetorical question
Recently at Homemade we found ourselves in a pub with a real life Italian man who, when it came to ordering crisps with his pint, was absolutely amazed at the array of choice. "I cannot believe it" he said, marvelling at the crisps stacked behind the bar, "you British people have the best crisps in the world." He is, of course, absolutely right.
Ah, crisps. Those rustling bags of joy that led to an extra stone at uni. Everyone but everyone has a favourite flavour and a great rationale as to why their favourite is the best.
OK Europe, we're giving you Ruffles jamón because they are really good, but apart from that your crisp game is poor. You may have the rest of the food spectrum fairly well covered but we are bringing the snacks, OK?
Here for your delectation are the absolute best crisps flavours avaialble on British soil. We were going to stop at five but we got carried away (so easy to do) – which means we have ranked eight. Feel free to argue with us, but you are wrong.
Not including a packet of Walkers originals in this lineup would be a bit like doing a list of national treasures and not including David Attenborough. We try not to think about the traumatic time the world turned upside down and the packet inexplicably became blue. We're over that now.
AKA the bad boy of the crisp world. Not the most sociable collection of claws but hands down one of the best. Probably about 90% of the joy of Monster Munch is that not-giving-a-damn feeling you need to open a packet. "Today is my day" to say to yourself as you sit back and pull open the bag, "and today my breath is going to smell of onions."
The only reason these babies don't feature higher up the list is purely a matter of ergonomics. If it were possible to cram more than five in at one time (this is a priority) without doing some quite painful things to the inside of your mouth then we'd have crowned them king. It goes without saying Worcester sauce is one of the most woefully underrepresented flavours in the crisp kingdom.
You might have pretended to outgrow the Wotsit as the years went by, but we all know if it were a more socially acceptable crisp you'd be cramming them in. It's the comedian's crisp. A crisp that has the power to give you a bright orange cheese smile and breath that could floor a man at 20 paces. But is there any greater joy than finding a patch of delicious neon dust in the corner of your mouth? We think not.
While enjoying any great crisp flavour it's always better not to ask what the flavour actually is. When chomping through a bag of Cool Original Dortitos it's easy to ponder what "cool" and "original" taste like. Don't. Same goes for spicy Nik Naks. They're pretty darn tasty for a crisp oddly named and strangely shaped.
Anyone who's ever had a really stonking hangover knows these crisps are The One. That deep ridged crunch, the punch of vinegar and the salty, salty goodness is somehow miraculously restorative. Best served with a pint of coke and a really nice nap.
Crisps! Alien crisps! How our heart pines for a packet of the beauties. The cardboard crunch, that complex flavour profile all in a dinky little packet. If you had one of these and a orange Club you might as well have been carrying gold bars in your school lunch box. Please don't talk to us about the price. We are not prepared to talk about price.
That's right folks, this retro snack has hit the top spot. A Smiths ( Chipsticks you're also up there) classic these bacon bad boys have the ability to virtually dissolve on your tongue leaving you with a mouthful of smoky goodness. Hats off for attention to detail with this one too, because some high level artistry has gone into making these look like tiny wickle slices of bacon.
We're very sorry if we've ruined your day. So in the interests of balance we're prepared to concede that the following crisps are also some of the most delicious:
- Salt and vinegar Discos
- Thai sweet chilli Sensations. Share bag. Eaten solo
- Squares (cheese and onion obvs) for their crunch - although there is debate about whether these are in fact too small
- Ready salted Hula Hoops (this about 80% because of their fingertip comedy value)