The course of true love never did run smooth, but a couple's main course on Valentine's Day is entirely predictable

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Photo: Charlotte Hancock

Love is in the air this Valentine's Day, but what will you be eating come the special day? We can work it out according to how long you've been together ...

First date: one olive, two peanuts, bit of garnish

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Photo: Charlotte Hancock

You're so nervous you can't manage anything else. Instead you're mainlining cocktails while trying to be funny (but also wry) and panicking about your hair. Hahaha. Dogs? Love them! You're allergic? Me too. Hahaha. Another cocktail please!

 

One month: artisan guacamole served in a vintage tea cup

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Photo: Charlotte Hancock

You've been sort-of-a-thing for a month now, so a trendy new pop-up restaurant is just the right amount of casual. Nothing celebrates the fragile promise of true love like trekking to an industrial car park to sit on a tiny upturned bin and eat guacamole out of a vintage tea cup.

 

Six months: the 'ironic' romantic meal

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Photo: Charlotte Hancock

It's been six months and you're out of your minds with love. It's pet names, baby voices, private jokes. You're becoming increasingly convinced that no-one in the world has ever loved as you love. Obviously you don't believe in Valentine's Day, it's all commercial nonsense, so you're going to have an "ironic" dinner, where everything is in the shape of hearts! You guys are so crazy!

 

One year: breakfast in bed

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Photo: Charlotte Hancock

It's been a year, but you still want to make something of the occasion. You recently discovered online that you can crack an egg into a heart-shaped hole in some toast, and that seems like just the right amount of effort. 

 

Three years: a takeaway pizza in the shape of a heart

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Photo: Charlotte Hancock

It might have been three years but there's still a little romance left. You nod to Valentine's Day by asking the pizza place to make your margherita in the shape of a heart.

 

Five years: just a takeaway pizza

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Photo: Charlotte Hancock

Valentine's? What? Today? I dunno, a pizza? Shall I ask them to make it in the shape of a heart? Nah.

 

Can't remember: the rest of that wine

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Photo: Charlotte Hancock

You can't remember how long you've been together. You're battle-weary comrades, carving a life in the trenches of love together and frankly nothing in the shape of a heart is going to change that. Shall we finish that wine?