Roses are red, violets are blue – if you're trying to leave the house, good luck to you
Romance, red roses and romantic dinners have led to you having children. Which, ironically, means that romance has been replaced with arguing about whose turn it is to take out the recycling.
But love conquers all, especially on Valentine’s Day! And you’re going on a date night for the first time in months! Woo! Sexy! Er, hang on, though…
1) You will have to get the children fed, bathed and in pyjamas by 7pm on the dot
5pm: fish fingers on. 5.30pm: fish fingers burnt while you were washing your hair. Clean hair now smells of Birds Eye. 6pm: Youngest explodes a Munch Bunch yoghurt all over your date-night top. 6.30pm: Matey bubbles are now all over your second choice date-night top. 6.45pm: Crowbar wet kids into pyjamas, put on lipstick, realise your husband isn’t even home from work yet. 7pm: Babysitter arrives, go to bed.
2) Someone will get mysteriously ill
Via: The Big Bang Theory/Warner Bros Entertainment/http://the-bigbangtheorygifs.tumblr.com
Just as you’re leaving the house, looking forward to a delicious meal that wasn’t cooked by you in a microwave, your child will develop some unspecified illness that will involve clinging to you like a limpet, sabotaging your night, and then – when a suitable amount of time has passed – asking for some hot chocolate with marshmallows in it (‘for their sore tummy’).
3) You will be the most tired people in the restaurant
All the other tables will be occupied by immaculately groomed childless couples, gazing into each other’s eyes. You, however, will be staring into space, wondering whether it would look bad if you ordered a bottle of wine each.
4) But you will be ridiculously excited about being in a restaurant
Despite your sleep deprivation, the sheer novelty of having another person serve you food will send you into a state of giddy hysteria. Every time the waiter comes to give you a knife and fork, or a glass of water, or a plate of garlic bread, you will be embarrassingly grateful, and by the time the free chocolate comes with your coffee, you’ll feel like you won the lottery.
5) You will have forgotten how to talk to each other
It’s been so long since you’ve spent your time in the company of other adults that, during the main course, your husband will take time out from his spaghetti carbonara, point out of the window and say, "Ooh look! A digger!".
6) You will have forgotten how to eat in public
Usually, you eat your meal standing over the bin, as toddlers throw your ‘special’ hidden veg shepherd's pie around the room. Now you’ve got to negotiate a bucket of moules frites. How do you do this again? Do you drink from the finger bowl or what?
7) You may be slightly sceptical about romance
The guy at the table next to you has just proposed and his lady friend is rooting around in her pudding for a diamond ring. You, however, regularly see your partner stumbling about in his pants at 3am, covered in congealed Aptamil. He has seen you give birth. Even so, do try to be happy for them.
8) The babysitter will call
After the first mouthful of minestrone, you’ll get a phone call, and instinctively prepare to bolt out the door. Something terrible must have happened! You will then spend the next half an hour explaining how to turn on Netflix as your soup turns to ice.
9) You will fancy the waiter
You spend all your time drinking coffee with women who talk about teething and lactation. So when you realise that the waiter is 25 and can open a bottle of Prosecco with one hand, your head will most definitely be (temporarily) turned.
10) You will be asleep by the time dessert arrives
Ah, that tiramisu looks nice and comfy, doesn’t it? Just a little 40 winks should do the trick…
Liked this? Then try these:
- Things you only know if you're a new(ish) parent on NYE
- How to get your kids to try new foods
- Things you only know if you've hosted a kids' party
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