Babies + NYE = a party with all the fun sucked out of it
You’d rather stay in and eat your own weight in cheese
Remember when you used to go out on New Year's Eve – wedged like a sardine at the bar, being kissed by random ugly people, having to walk 3 miles home in heels? Forget it. Now you have young kids, your slippers are staying ON and that cheeseboard is coming OUT.
The kids will try to interrupt your drinking time
If your three-year-old figures out that they can stay up until midnight, you must refuse point blank. No negotiations. Why? Because Mummy wants to relax and drink some bubbly water from her special cup, that’s why.
Your new year 'spread' will not be very impressive
"Oh," you will have said, in a weak moment. "We can’t go out because of the kids, but feel free to come to ours. We’ll have some mulled wine and I’ll make some nibbles." Ha ha. After a day of exhausting child wrangling, this actually translates as "a tube of Pringles and a pan of boiling Shiraz with a satsuma in it."
Your children will spend 7.30 until 10pm getting out of bed because they’re 'hungry'
If there are other people in the house, your children will find any excuse to get up for a "glass of water" or a "midnight snack". Who cares if they’re charming the adults with their junior wit? Barricade them in their room.
Worryingly, you start to enjoy Jools Holland’s Hootenanny
Before you had kids, NYE TV was for losers. But now you’re so tired that you actually want to watch an obscure musician singing "Jingle Bell Rock" in Swahili while Jools plays rootin’ tootin’ jazz piano. Where’s that cheeseboard again?
At 11.59 you will feel as if you’ve been awake for days
Your body has stopped being able to function after 10pm. You have several cups of coffee (and make them Irish).
Auld Lang shhhhhhhhh!
When the clock strikes 12, there’s cheering, fireworks and general mayhem. But the last thing you want is a screaming toddler who has been woken up by a terrible rendition of Auld Lang Syne. If anyone looks like they’re about to start singing, soundproof them stuffing their mouths with sausage rolls.
At 12.06am you will get an unexpected burst of energy
What a great year it's been! And this prosecco is delicious. Hurray for everything! Let’s dance to Prince on the living room rug. Dancing to Prince is still a thing, isn’t it? The coffee and bubbly buzz means you will probably keep going until at least 4am.
At 6am on New Year’s Day, your children will wake you up loudly demanding breakfast and then be in a terrible mood all day.
Urrrrgh. Happy New Year?