Gone are the days when you took your ma out for an overpriced meal. Now it's your turn. Enjoy!
You can forget breakfast in bed
Got a new baby? Basically, they're like Mariah Carey in a onesie: they don’t know what day it is, but they know the day is all about them. So instead of a nice breakfast tray featuring a croissant and a Pinterest-y daffodil in a jam jar, your present will be a nappy that smells like Satan’s compost heap. Plus, new dad is too traumatised by the whole thing to have even contemplated anything more than a limp-looking croissant from the all-night garage. Eggs Benedict in your dressing gown is a long, distant dream.
There will be sick at your special celebration
At Mother’s Day lunch, your baby will steal the show, and then throw up Cow & Gate cottage pie down your cleavage. It’s OK though, because you can use your newfound invisibility to eat everyone’s leftovers.
You have literally forgotten who you are
Via: Zoolander/Paramount Pictures/MTV Films/Red Hour Productions/Village Roadshow Pictures/giphy.com
Everyone keeps saying "mum" to you and you keep looking at your mum – but then remember that's you. Try not to freak out. Just fill your new "World’s Best Mum" mug with wine and you’ll soon get in the zone.
You will be up and in front of CBeebies before 6am
Instead of gazing into your partner’s eyes before going for a lazy brunch at a nice cafe, you will be gazing into the eyes of Andy from CBeebies as he chirpily shows you how to make a clown out of a paper plate at 6am. Happy Mother's Day.
Your breakfast will be cold porridge from a plastic bowl
Your toddler wanted a smiley face with squeezy honey on it, but it wasn’t smiley enough. "No! I don’t like porridge. Waaaaa! No! No! No!" etc etc. You eat it instead because you are now essentially just a human bin.
Your child will make you a card. It may not be great
Aw, there’s nothing more touching than a card made at nursery full of their adorable scribbles (and so much glitter you’ll be finding it in your knickers for the next six months).
You book a restaurant on Mother’s Day at your peril
Don't bother, unless you want to explain to the maitre d’ why there’s spaghetti Bolognese all over the other patrons and a Peppa Pig doll blocking the toilet. When your kid shoves a carrot stick up your nose, it means they love you. Honestly.
If you’re not Minecraft, you probably won’t get a look in
You might have given birth to them and looked after their every need, but if you’re not a zombie pig made out of pixellated blocks, forget it. Still, at least it buys you some valuable lie-in time.
Accidents will happen
Child now old enough to scramble eggs for your Mother’s Day breakfast? Hurrah! Oh, they've dropped them all over the stairs.
Mother’s Day is for losers
Even when your kid is old enough to bring you a cup of tea in bed, doesn’t mean they’ll do it. If you’re lucky, you might get a text featuring a cup of tea emoji. And you will be pathetically grateful.
You might get one of those cappuccino stirry things again
If you have a nice teenager, they might buy you a hot chocolate frother in a mug for the second year in a row, but it will still make your heart sing.
Your child will be mortified by you in Pizza Express
Honestly Mum, stop it. Stop breathing. Stop ordering things from the menu using your voice. You are just so embarrassing.