Swap you a Peperami for a Dairylea Dunker? Nah, we wouldn't either
Remember a time before kids ate kale salad and beautifully crafted bento boxes? When cheese came as strings, balls or triangles, and the closest thing to fruit you were likely to see at lunchtime was the middle bit of a Jaffa Cake? Remember when you popped and genuinely, honestly, couldn't stop?
These times were called the 90s, my friend. Clarissa might not have explained it all, but these things we do know to be true …
Only the poshest kids got Dairylea Lunchables
They were just training for all the smoked salmon and caviar blinis in their future.
Likewise Sunny Delight
Are you an actual duke? Is your dad Donald Trump? Do you have a grove of weird synthetic Californian oranges growing at the bottom of your back garden in Cheam?
Can we have a sip?
Babybel casing is the best sculpture material in the world
Because nobody actually enjoys a sweaty ball of warm, mild Cheddar, but everyone LOVES to spend 20 minutes industriously moulding the red wax into a tiny masterpiece. It’s probably how Henry Moore started.
If you open your crisp packet upside-down, you are doomed
Apocalypse cometh! You reckless fool! Better crawl under the desk now and hope for the best.
But there was one way you could reverse the bad luck …
Shrivel the packet in the oven and turn it into a keyring! Witchcraft.
If you eat a Club biscuit in regular bites, you’re a Martian
The correct technique, as everyone knows, is: nibble chocolate off the ends. Nibble chocolate off the sides. Scrape chocolate and mint/orange filling from the top and bottom using teeth. Suck any remaining chocolate off the biscuit. Eat biscuit, or discard because break is over now and anyway, you’ve lost interest.
Dairylea is for cool kids, Laughing Cow is for mums
Yes, they taste identical. Yes, they’re both foil-wrapped triangles with pictures of cows on the wrapper. But that’s not the point – it’s a tribal thing. We didn’t make the rules.
Dairylea Dunkers are a mathematical impossibility
The only way you can eat all the cheese spread using the breadsticks provided without resorting to your fingers or fold-up ruler is to shovel on so much dip that the structural integrity of the breadstick is compromised. Even Isaac Newton couldn't fathom out the solution to this one.
Curiously, though, the exact opposite problem is true with Choc Dip. WHERE DID ALL THE CHOC GO?
There is always, always a little bit more Capri Sun in the pouch if you just suck hard enough
Keep going until you feel slightly dizzy, that’s the trick.
Nobody will ever want to be your partner in PE if you had a Peperami for lunch
But it's worth it.
Mr Kipling slices = instant friendship
There's a reason they come in packs of two, and that's so you can give one to Kirsty McPopular and be her BFF for an entire afternoon. Better than a good personality, is an angel cake slice.
Your choice of Pringles pop box colour is more important than your socks
Black? Ooh, edgy. Plain green? Ach, sympathies.
Silver and pink glitter that your cousin brought you back from Florida? WE WILL SWAP YOU ALL OUR POKEMON CARDS, PLUS A KIDNEY.
Nothing says "summer glamour" quite like a frozen Frube
And it keeps your sandwiches cold! This is genius! Why has nobody ever thought of using frozen things to keep stuff cold before?
Scampi 'n' Lemon Nik Naks were chronically misunderstood
Only true connoisseurs could appreciate the pungent tang of fish 'n' fruit corn snacks. If you liked Scampi 'n' Lemon Nik Naks then you probably went on to enjoy oysters, truffle butter, bone marrow and durian fruit.
Cream 'n' Cheesy, on the other hand, had absolutely no business calling themselves food.
Pizza is one of nature's greatest flavours
You thought humanity had peaked with the invention of Cheese Strings, until PIZZA FLAVOURED Cheese Strings arrived. The only thing greater would be actual pizza in your lunchbox, but obviously that's illegal.
Like this? Then try these:
- The definitive ranking of lunchbox chocolate bars
- 9 super-quick no-cook additions to their lunchboxes
- 14 weird food habits that other people totally have too
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