Season Five is Coming...
IT'S COMING! Season Five is smashing and bleeding its way back to the Seven Kingdoms on 13th April, which means you need to get ready for your epic GoT party. What's that? How can you throw a party with no effort and almost no money? Funny you should ask...
Step 1: Find some friends
If you fall at this hurdle you might have bigger problems than how to make a cheap cloak out of an old curtain. Make sure they all like Game of Thrones. Otherwise you're going to have a weird evening on your hands. And if everyone has to come in costume, make sure they fight about who's who before hand.
Step 2: Send a raven
Summon the chosen friends by texting them a raven. If anyone replies saying "Why are you sending me a picture of a raven?'' THEY CAN'T COME.
Step 3: Get a cloak
Never underestimate the power of a cloak. A cloak changes everything. Plus it's as easy as taking the sheet off your bed and wrapping it round your shoulders. Towels also work. Curtains. A big coat with the sleeves tucked in. Ideally you want enough material to drag along the ground, but if not just style out what you've got and swish a lot to compensate.
Step 4: Men: grow a beard
This one's a bit tricky if you're starting from scratch and the party is tonight. But if you're hirsuite and you have a couple of days to plan, then get yourself a beard. If you can, stick some beads in it and watch the women melt into your arms.
Step 5: Ladies: braid your hair
The internet can barely function under the weight of Game of Throne hair tutorials so you should be able to find exactly what you're looking for. In order to keep the effort low but impact high, try out this one and this one.
Step 6: Promise guest rights
Well no one's going to come otherwise. Stick some chunky bread and sea salt on a chopping board for the rustic look and get a sullen housemate to silently present it to your guests on arrival.
Step 7: Get out your dragon eggs
How convenient! The shops are absolutely full of cheap Easter eggs. Get yourself three big gold ones (we bought the ones in the picture for a pound!) and display in an old wooden chest (or failing that, a shoe box).
Step 8: Wheel out the drinks trolley
You need a red and a white wine. Pour them in to a nice decanter and insist on calling them 'Dornish Red' and 'Arbor Gold'. Sparkling wine plus a fruit liqueur instantly transforms into 'Tears of Lys'. Hand round glasses of milk like it's rationed and announce it's 'Milk of the Poppy'. Any spirit will do nicely if you throw in some green food dye and call it 'Wildfire'.
Step 9: Display the Dothsnacki
Obviously you're not going to cook for this, instead you're going to blow everyone's minds with the power of your puns. Brie of Tarth. You Know Muffins. Lanni-stir fry. Kale Drogo. The key is to distract people with a large piece of meat. Buy a large ham and stick your most ornamental knife in it. Add too many grapes. Apples. A pie. A whole roast chicken. Cover the place in candles. Lights off. Job done.
Step 10: Play the soundtrack
We've only gone and found the whole soundtrack on Youtube. Press play. Swish your cloak. And then gather round the TV and prepare for the inevitable death of you favourite character. All together now! Dum Dum du-du-Dum Dum du-du Duuuuuuuuum...