Writer and comedian Stevie Martin celebrates kale’s dramatic fall from grace
It's was once the veggie du jour. It was maybe even more popular avocado. OK, no, you're right, that's too far, but you might be surprised to know that kale’s time in the sun is blissfuly coming to an end. Sure, it's insanely nutritious, but it isn't at the fever pitch it once was.
Remember when Beyoncé wore kale T-shirts and every third sentence you heard in the office was about how ‘amazing’ your colleague was feeling as she added braised kale goo to every meal? Thankfully, those mind-numbing conversations are waning and it might be time for kale to move on over and stop dominating our thoughts, minds and meals.
This is a good thing, guys. Don't mourn this, embrace it. Here are 10 reasons kale is over, if indeed a small green vegetable could ever be ‘happening’ in the first place.
Kale has become an actual dress
Once a foodstuff makes the transition on to the catwalk, you know something is both dreadfully wrong and just dreadful.
A fashion designer from the US called Leanne Marshall created a 'kale' dress that can legitimately be tagged #highfashion, which means the veggie has transcended salad and transformed into something a woman can wear, albeit to very few occasions. Actually, we can't think of any occasions whereby a kale dress can be worn other than to a Halloween party where the wearer is dressed as A Load Of Kale. Sorry, kale. You've jumped the leafy shark.
Kale is already in crisis
Guys, have you heard of aphids? If you haven't, then here's the layman's term: plant lice. And they're screwing with the kale and one day might actually take over the world.
Alright, the latter is totally made up, but the first bit is true: aphids are attacking kale and, thanks to a relatively dry summer and a neonicotinoid pesticide ban across the EU, we can expect a load of aphids this year.
And guess what? Aphids dig kale, in the sense that they eat it all and ruin it for us humans, so unless growing conditions remain perfect we could be seeing a lot less kale in the near future. But loads of really healthy aphids.
Kale is causing divorce
Going green and becoming a kale devotee is boring. So boring and so problematic that national news-gathering services are running articles called How not to let kale ruin your marriage: a handy guide to greening your loved ones because people are getting so fed up of their partners banging on about kale, it's causing arguments. We're almost completely certain that, after many scientific tests, no one has ever argued about a pie.
It's about time kale got some comeuppance
It's sad how we, as a society, can't help building celebrities up only to tear them down, but you can't deny that it's pretty character building. So with that in mind, it's time for kale to prepare for a bit of a knocking.
Look at Geri Halliwell. There's a woman who we all worshipped, only to be thrown to the dogs the moment she stopped churning out big-time hits like Bag It Up (one of the many interpretations of this song is as being an ode to kale). And now, she's become a whole new woman. But seriously, we're already trying to find the next kale, we're already looking towards the future, and our voracious need for both trendy foods and new shiny sparkly things means that it's only a matter of time before kale gets taken down a peg or two. No, it's not nice, but it's the way of the world.
National Kale Day is a thing
A thing that we all need to put a stop to because once you've got a National Kale Day, where does it end? Where do you draw the line? We’re fairly confident there are more than 365 different types of food, meaning we'll have to double up.
This could mean that there'll be a National Salad Garnish Day, or a National Tin of Tuna Day, and nobody needs that. National Tomato-Based Passata Day. Come on.
Chefs are already saying that kale is overrated
Nobody is disputing that it's a great thing to eat because of all its apparent "nutritious" and "goodness" elements as mentioned above, but when you're pushing for a National Kale Day and people are getting divorced, it's fair enough that chefs cite kale as overrated.
"Although not a bad thing, kale is misused a lot of the time," chef Chris Cipollone of New York's Piora told The Huffington Post. "Serving it raw is not that pleasant – let's be real here – and cooking it just yields a boring, flat texture for me. It has been a victim of overhype."
If anyone knows why kale is over, it'll be the people who actually cook it professionally.
Girls are trying to be called Kale
It's also spawned YouTube channels like That One Girl Called Kale except her name isn't actually Kale, it's Kayla but she's just pretending it's kale because we live in a world where it's cool to be named after a type of salad. Time to recalibrate and take a good hard look at ourselves
If you rearrange the letters in 'kale' you get 'satan'
OK, that one might be a stretch. Still, the other reasons are a pretty comprehensive case, right?
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